My mum, my childhood, and a conversation I’ll keep forever

Last weekend was Mother’s Day, and this year I found I got a bit reflective. As I go further in my own parenting journey, and what highlights and challenges it brings, it’s made me think about my own upbringing.

I’ve found that becoming a mother has made me understand my mother a lot more. Why she made the decisions she did, or what coping mechanisms she used. How she could have possibly felt after a day at work, only to come home to three children.

How desperately she needed a break, and never got it.

The pressure of parenting

Parenting is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’m so conscious of how every word I say, and the actions I take, how that will be interpreted by my son. He has a luxury I never had. He has both parents around, two different views, and two different people to learn from.

Which means as a parent, the responsibility is not solely mine. That’s a huge relief.

When I fell pregnant, I was overcome with the stress of “don’t mess this up”. I wanted to give that little boy everything I felt I missed out on. The weight of that responsibility, combined with my anxiety, means I’m drinking a toxic cocktail of stress every day, desperately trying to do the right thing.

But, when do we ever stop to think about whether we did a good job?

Which brought me back to my mother. I think my mum did an incredible job with the cards she was dealt. Knowing what I know now of parenting, and seeing the person I’ve become, I have a lot to thank her for.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say those words aloud, so I think I’ll send her this post later.

And when she reads this, I am sending you a big thanks. For always finding a way. For overcoming all the struggles, for providing for us, and for raising me to be the independent, kooky, and unique person I am today. I love you.

You did a good job.

My childhood from my mum’s view

While I was reflecting, I realised that it’s rare that I hear mum talk about my childhood, and her own memories. Or what she thinks of me, both then as a child, and now.

I decided I would ask her.

And I would record it, so that I can listen back, hear our conversation, and hopefully laugh and smile along.

Inevitably, there will come a time where I won’t be able to hear her voice. I wanted to make sure I had a pocket version available. That I could pull out whenever I needed it.

Asking these questions was also a bit selfish, honestly. I just wanted to hear her say some of these things out loud.

And of course, because I’m a blogger, I wanted to write about this experience.

Questions

Here’s a recap of the questions that I asked my mother, and her answers.

What’s something about me, that made you think “oh no, this child is exactly like me”?

Mum: *thinks for a while
Me: *gets nervous
Mum: You like running.

I genuinely thought she’d take a pot shot at me for this one, but it was a pretty safe answer!

What was a moment from my childhood that you still think about, that I probably don’t remember?

Mum: When you used to invite all the kids from across the road over, I’d come home, and they were all there.

Now I know where my son gets it from when he’s always wanting to invite everyone to everything!

When was the first time you realised I was becoming my own person, instead of “just your kid”?

Mum: Probably when you were about 14 or 15?
Me: What did I do?
Mum: I don’t know! But you were always pretty independent. I never really worried when I was at work, when you were at home.
Me: When my sister was chasing me around threatening me?
Mum: Well…I didn’t know about that at the time!
*both of us laugh

That makes sense really. I was definitely independent, and early on making my own food, ironing my own clothes etc. Interestingly, 14 or 15 is when I felt like I entered my most rebellious years.

What is something that you secretly worried about when I was growing up?

Mum: I didn’t ever really worry, I always trusted you.
Me: Survive or die, kid!

That was a mistake. I used to get up to some pretty naughty things!

If you had to describe me using only foods, what would I be?

Mum: Kellogg’s Cornflakes.
All of us: *burst out laughing
Me: WHY?!
Mum: Because you used to eat it all! I was always buying bloody cornflakes! You’d put it in the dish, and all the milk.

Today I learned that I used to eat breakfast cereal a lot more than I remember.

What’s the funniest thing I ever did, that you had to pretend wasn’t funny at the time?

Mum: Geez, you’re testing my memory here!
*insert voiceover “100 million years later”*
Me: Ohhhhh I know what it would be. Do you remember at the church, with the priest?
Mum: Oh that’s right, and you got up and started mimicking his hand movements. *holds hands out to the side
All of us: *laughing

I must have been such an embarrassing child.

Was there ever a moment when I genuinely surprised you?

Mum: Probably when you got your driver’s licence first go!
Me: Yeahhhhhh *proud
Husband: Fair enough, good one!

To be fair, I think I surprised myself then too! Proud but surprising moment indeed.

What’s something you wish you had done differently as my mum?

Mum: *thinks
Mum: I wished I could have stayed home with you more. You know, I was out working.
Me: I hate this question, because we are very good at guilting ourselves.

You guys, when I tell you that I needed to hear this…my mother probably has no idea of the impact of those words (she will if she reads this). I admire that my mum didn’t let life kick her down, that she was able to solely provide for herself and three kids. Her hard work and the stress that she went through…I can never ever fault her for not being at home. But the impact on me is that as a parent now, I desperately try to be at every single school performance, every single sporting event etc. I don’t want to miss a thing, but more importantly, I want my son to remember that I was there.

What’s a personality trait of mine that you admire, that you would never say out loud unless asked?

Mum: I think you’re very efficient.
Me: *surprised
Me: *to my husband “Make sure you remember that on the days where I take ages to get ready.”

I’ll take “answers I would never have guessed for $500, thanks Alex”.

What’s something about motherhood that no one warned you about?

Mum: EVERYTHING! *thinks* They don’t ever tell you how hard birth is.

I made jokes at this point, because my labour story was not easy. Long story short, my son was born via emergency caesarean, and I had to be knocked out. So I actually don’t any memories of when he was born, only the extremely painful lead up to it.

What’s the weirdest phase I ever went through?

Mum: You used to wear some bloody outfit all the time. Everytime I looked you had it on. I think it was a black and white top…
Me: I know my sister gives me shit all the time about tights I used to wear that were yellow at the front, purple at the back, and then a tie-dyed shirt.
Mum: Oh yeah, that was probably it.

I am certainly not known for my fashion choices.

If we swapped places for a week, and you became me, what’s the first thing you would do?

Mum: I’d let your son run mad!!
*everyone laughs
Me: Spoken like a grandmother…

I’m noticing a trend where my mum thinks I’m strict – something I wouldn’t have considered. But then again, as a kid I certainly got up to a lot of mischief, so maybe that’s why I’m hard on my son. I don’t want him doing the crazy stuff I did, I don’t know how I’m not dead!

What’s something about your own life from before I was born, that I would never guess?

(I also told Dad to chip in with spilling the secrets).

Dad: She used to hitchhike to the Gold Coast (note: that’s about 2 hours away).
Me: Knew that, she was such a hippy.
Mum: I once broke my shoulder, and didn’t tell my dad for about 5-6 hours. Finally told him, and then had to race to the hospital. It was the worst night of my life because I could barely move.
Me: Oh, so I’m not in trouble anymore for the time you broke your elbow, and I was at my friend’s house across the road, and didn’t hear you yelling at me to come home?
Mum: Urgh, I remember that, yelling your name….grr.

What’s something you think I still don’t understand about you?

Mum: Everything.
*everyone laughs
Mum: I think you’d understand. We’re pretty alike.
Me: I think if I didn’t have my son, I don’t think I would have ever understood the pressure you were under to work and then come home to kids all yelling your name.
Mum: *laughs

She laughed at this, but I’m sure I something flicker in her eye. From my own personal experience, when someone acknowledges what you went through, it’s nice to hear. It helps ease any guilt or uncomfortable feelings that have been lingering.

When you picture me 10 years from now, what do you hope stays exactly the same?

Mum: I think you’re doing pretty good now! I think maybe you’d be letting your son do a lot more than you do now. You’re much more strict than me!
Me: *laughs* Anything else?
Mum: It’s your life…but I think you’re just doing a good job.

(Side note – as I sat at my computer typing these questions out, my son just walked in and gave me a chocolate, and said “I want you to have a treat for all the nice things you’ve done this year.” Awwww, my heart).

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So that was that! It was pretty interesting to hear. Especially from someone who isn’t normally upfront with words, or tell you outright what they’re thinking.

I think it was a really fun exercise, and I’m glad we did it. Even more glad to have her voice on recording telling me that I’m doing a good job. It was really nice to hear.

If you’re thinking about doing something similar, honestly just use your phone. Get ChatGPT to write you a list of questions, press record, and settle in for the ride.

Have you ever had a similar conversation with your mother? Is there anything you’re doing differently as a parent because of your own childhood? Have you ever stopped to acknowledge you’re doing a good job with the cards you’ve been dealt?