Yesterday was a bit of a rough one. Despite starting the day on a high (hello, anniversary), my anxiety got me to a point where I needed to deal with it or crash.
It’s been coming for days, but somehow, despite how often I try, bottling my emotions up doesn’t seem to help. What am I doing wrong? (Just kidding.)
On Tuesday, my social anxiety really peaked, and I ended up binge eating an entire block of chocolate. Not great. I could feel myself teetering on the edge of the slippery slope, so I went out to my husband and declared what I had done. I explained that I needed to admit it openly so that I didn’t reach the stage of hiding my eating habits again. (Partially why I’m admitting it here too.)
Yesterday, after celebrating our anniversary, it was back to real life. I wrote my blog post, opted not to work out (legs were sore from Pilates the day before), and got my son ready for school. D and I dropped L off, then went off to an appointment with my surgeon.
My total hysterectomy has been booked in for mid-January.
Small bonus – when they did my ultrasound, they found a fibroid which will be removed during the hysterectomy. The fibroid is benign, so that’s good. The adenomyosis itself sounds pretty standard, and it sounds like I’m rather lucky since I don’t really get any pain, extremely heavy periods, or any of the other symptoms. Either that, or my high pain threshold is paying off yet again.
When I got home, I thought I was OK. Then, probably about half an hour later, I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry.
My anxiety had reached the point where I was now emotionally volatile and jittery.
I knew a self-care night was in order, which was terrible timing, given it was our anniversary (we’re actually going away in a few weeks to celebrate it properly together, since we never ended up organising the party we’d briefly discussed). D opted to go to the gym and let me have the night to myself.
So, last night I:
- Worked on the project to download my old blog site and back it up on my computer before decommissioning it properly. (This ticked off my need to do something productive – I get dopamine hits from stuff like this).
- Had a bath and read a book. Then sweated buckets in the bath so had a shower to cool off.
- Put on a mud mask.
- Lay in bed and read some more.
- Went to bed early.
I’ve been sleeping terribly again for about a week now, and while I only ended up sleeping about 8.5 hours last night, I feel a lot better today. The skin on my face does too!
Today is going to be super busy for work, so I’m putting some self-care things in place there too. Just so I don’t go backwards.
- Got my workout in this morning (always helps my mental health as well as physical)
- Nice-smelling candle
- Music
- Colouring-in page next to me to mindlessly colour a few squares between tasks, or when I need to think (it’s surprising how much that helps)
- Eat lunch anywhere else but at my desk
- Go out and stand in the sun for a minute every few hours
- Set my timer to alternate between standing and sitting at the desk
I’m grateful that I’m at a point where I have enough self-awareness to identify my needs, and get on top of it before it truly blows up. I’ve done enough therapy and work on myself to overcome an eating disorder, and I’m certainly not interested in returning to those coping mechanisms.
For today’s planner, my sticker is “You got this”, and I do. It’s a new day, a fresh start, and while I might subconsciously be afraid of what’s ahead, I know that I’ve dealt with everything that life has thrown my way before, and I know I can deal with this too.
What are your favourite methods of giving yourself some self-care?
I am really proud of you for recognizing that your mental health was dipping, voicing what was wrong, and having a self-care night to bring your nervous system back to center. It’s so hard to actually do that in the midst of life just being… LIFE.
For me, when I need a day like this, I’ll typically cancel all plans and if it’s a workday, I’ll take a sick day. Then, I’ll take the time to just nap and read and maybe have dinner with my mom since she can center me when I’m going through a mental health spiral.
Have you even heard the phrase “doona days”? We call our blankets/quilts. Doona, so when you need a mental health day they get referred to as doona days haha. Love that you have a plan and that your mum can help you through it, reading your posts she sounds like an amazing woman.
Oh man. Mental health stuff sucks. But it takes a strong woman to know when you need to take a step back and take care of yourself. Good for you!! Hope you’re feeling better moving forward, my friend.
Thank you lovely! Much better than I was, phew.
3/4 of the battle for me on a tough emotional day is giving myself the space I need (and deserve) to feel my feelings. They are legitimate and the less time I spend “pushing through” the more time I can dedicate to rest and recuperation which ALWAYS speeds up my return to feeling better.
Despite knowing this is the best course, I still struggle with it at times. But almost always, my body knows what to do. I just need to listen. If it’s telling me I need a nap, I need a nap. If it’s telling me I need to mindlessly watch YouTube shorts for an hour, I need that!
I’m so glad you got to have a bit of a reprieve. You just got back from a busy family trip and are at a busy stage of life in terms of work and parenting. It only makes sense you need solo time to feel refreshed. Gold stars for prioritizing this!!!
Thank you! I’m definitely trying to get better at listening, but I wish it was easier to understand why I was feeling that way. Step-by-step I suppose!
Oof, this sounds rough. And- I know disordered eating is a slippery slope. You’ve obviously done a lot of work to get to this place. Thanks for sharing this… and I hope today is a better day.
Thank you! I hope that by talking openly about it, someone out there feels less scared about talking about their own struggles. Today was definitely better!
Your self-awareness and understanding of what you need – and then being able to address those needs – is so admirable. I empathize completely with the social anxiety piece and if you add health stuff on top of that… woof. No wonder you needed to step back and give yourself some care.
I tend to withdraw from people when my anxiety peaks, but what is really most helpful is time outside, time alone, and exercise.
I’m very much someone who withdraws as well, my husband I joke about when I “need my cave”. Outside and exercise is almost like a recipe for success, it’s impossible to not feel good after that!
So proud of you for noticing and admitting what was going on! I hope today is better, but yes, you are able to deal with whatever it is!
Thank you! Happy to report it was a much better and more stable day, phew.
Oh no, I’m sorry you were struggling. I’m glad you recognised the problem and took steps to reset.
Oh, it’s wonderful how aware you and that you know (by now) what to do to care of yourself. It’s a great place to reach, because especially women tend to „just power through“ too many times.
Thank you! I definitely was a “push through” person but a few too many breakdowns I finally clicked it’s not worth it. Now I preach “it’s not selfish to be selfish”, because we all definitely need to make time for ourselves sometimes.
Sorry to read about your rough day, especially on the anniversary. And also how grate that you know yourself well enough to know a self-care day is necessary before they spiraling starts or continues.
If I need a self-care day it can look different. Sometimes I need some time in the woods. Sometimes it is a hot bath. Sometimes I need to be creative. Other times I just go to bed with my hot water bottle. But a hug from the husband always helps.
Sorry to hear about your rough day. Being aware of your mental health and being able to recognize that you needed some self-care is important and I’m glad you were able to re-set your nervous system.