This week, my anxiety won

My anxiety finally caught up with me this week, and I crashed in a big way.

I could feel it building, and my body was growing more and more fatigued. I would wake up in the morning, barely feeling refreshed. I developed a cold sore in the corner of my mouth. My motivation to do anything was dipping, and my desire to retreat into a cave became overwhelming.

A few nights, I tried going to bed earlier. I gave myself permission not to do my to-do list. I slothed on the couch, and sometimes found myself doom-scrolling, which, in hindsight, disappointed me. I’d been doing so much better at avoiding that.

On a surface level, it felt like I was taking it easy, but it didn’t solve anything.

Finally, last night, I went to bed at 8.30 pm and asked my husband to let me sleep in.

Not that he tries to wake me up each morning, but it was more a request to not touch me, to not make noise, and certainly don’t let our son come down and tell me to get out of bed.

Direct quote from our Alexa system last Saturday, which my son uses to broadcast messages to us sometimes:

Can you please come and start the day? It’s kind of boring not to start the day.

Bear in mind it was 6.30 am, so he definitely inherited our early-morning-risers genetics.

Today I’m feeling much better. In total, I got 9.5 hours of sleep. I also bought new nasal dilators to help with oxygen intake (I have a deviated septum, so nose breathing isn’t my strong suit, but I refuse to get surgery for it).

(Side note – today is ANZAC Day, where we commemorate the Australians and New Zealanders who have contributed, served, and died for the freedom and rights of our country. I just want to acknowledge and thank them for the fact that I live in a country where I am safe and secure. I am so grateful for all of you.)

What actually happened

I’ve been trying to figure out what caused it, and I think, honestly, it’s just been the culmination of a few things:

• A big month at work. Lots of deadlines, loads of brain power, and not a single easy day in sight.
• Fighting a cold. I did end up taking a half-day from work and trying to rest, but honestly, it didn’t help much.
• Terrible sleep. I hadn’t bought my nasal dilators after losing my last ones, so it’s likely I just wasn’t breathing well when I was sleeping.
• Some discussions with my husband that had been playing on my mind.
• I’m not sure what I did exactly, but my shoulder has been really hurting for over a week now. Possibly caused by some push-ups during my workout, and a bad technique? But that’s held me back from doing any strength workouts, and I’m missing those dopamine hits.

On top of all of that, last weekend was big for social time.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved every second of it. The thing is, my anxiety doesn’t.

When I’m anxious and I’m social, it shows in three ways.

1. I talk incessantly (and don’t handle silences well).
2. I apologise a lot.
3. I replay every single interaction, criticise myself, and then convince myself that no one wants to spend time with me anymore.

It’s exhausting in a completely different way from the actual socialising. And the energy it takes to build myself back up again…it’s a lot.

Being an extroverted introvert is a bit of a curse like that. I need people, and then I need to recover from the people.

(Pretty sure I can hear all the anxious people saying “hey, me too!”)

So, what’s changing?

Every day in my planner, I write down a self-care task and my to-do list. Lately, though, I’ve been a bit slack with it… writing things like “under eye pads”, or something I’d do anyway in passing.

I haven’t been prioritising self-care.

So, this week I plan on buying some face masks. One night this week, I’m going to schedule myself in for a night of nothing – just a face mask, reading, lying in bed. No chores, no to-do list, just…nothing.

I’m going to introduce intentional self-care every day. Words of affirmation, 5 minutes of stretching, writing down brain dumps, and maybe some breathing exercises. Things like that.

I’ll also try to get in another night of a long, big sleep.

Next weekend is another big social one, so I’ll need to protect my time a little bit. Get my recharge in and look after myself.

Does anyone else have anxiety? Any tips for how to manage it day-to-day?